The Apostates' Creed
A satire of the creed and practice shared amongst most Jesus Cult
- We believe in the three persons of the Godhead: God the Father, God the Son, and God the
We believe that God is one.
- We believe in Satin the Devil (Prince of darkness, Father of sin, Lord of this world) and
in the existence of evil as a substantial force at war with the Godhead.
We believe that God fashioned the universe, and that His work was good.
- We believe that eternal hell fire is the destiny of all mankind - this being due as our
punishment for a crime committed by a distant ancestor named Adam.
We believe that God is just.
- We believe that God incarnated in the flesh.
We believe that God is a spirit.
- We believe that God suffered and expired on the cross as sacrifice for our sins.
We believe that God is omnipotent.
- We believe that God was buried and dead for three days.
We believe that God is eternal.
- We believe that God descended into hell.
We believe that God is good.
- We believe that God arose from hell, ascending on the clouds into heaven from whence He
shall return. We believe in the day of judgement when God shall descend on the clouds of heaven
to judge the living and the dead. We believe in the resurrection of the dead at the end of
days, when those who are saved by faith will be taken up to live on the clouds of heaven with
the Gods for eternity.
We believe the Kingdom of Heaven is within us.
- We take as our guides professional priests and pastors - as did the ancient Hebrews who
followed in the footsteps of their learned scribes and Pharisees.
We believe that those who seek shall find.
- Our own sins having been justified by faith, we believe in the righteous persecution of
others - especially the Christ killers. We believe that killing sinners is okay. It is often
acceptable to kill those who follow our creed, but are not of our denomination or race. It is
even acceptable to kill members of our denomination and race who are citizens of foreign
countries, but only in time of war.
We believe that God is love.
- We believe in the twelve Apostles - the thirteenth and greatest of which was the St. Paul
who was superior to the chosen twelve. We believe in the Bible as the inspired Word of God -
especially the New Testament, the contents of which are predominately the epistles of St. Paul
and his disciples.
We believe in the primacy of Peter.
- We believe that salvation is by faith alone. We thank the Gods that St. Paul has lifted
from our backs the heavy burden of following the commandments of Jesus, and made the way of
eternal life easy to us. For this priceless bounty, we joyously rob Peter to pay Paul.
We believe in being good money-changers.
Author - John Roncalio. © 2003, John Roncalio.
The saterical views expressed herein are those of the author who is solely responsible for